Jennifer A. Kraskouskas would pile stuffed animals around her in bed whenever she heard the Rev. Robert E. Kelley coming to tuck her in. The toys, to her 10-year-old mind, were her protection, a defensive wall she hoped might keep him from getting too close.

The fondling, the sexual assaults and the rape that eventually would earn Kelley a five- to seven-year prison sentence had already begun.

Now Kraskouskas is 19, a freshman at Northeastern University, living in Boston. She said in an interview yesterday that she decided to tell her story to help herself heal, and to urge other victims of sexual abuse to come forward.

Kraskouskas said she gets along through dedication to competitive swimming as a member of Northeastern's women's team, and through study.

VISITS TO FAMILY

But the memories of what happened to her nearly a decade ago, when Kelley used his regular visits to her family's home as a way into her bedroom, remain fresh and painful. She feels betrayed by the church, which once was a large part of her life, and by the people in it.

Thinking about what happened with Kelley, a Roman Catholic priest who was the pastor of Sacred Heart Parish in Gardner, makes her angry and depressed. The things that occurred during and after the criminal proceedings in Worcester Superior Court feel as though they just happened, she said.

One event in particular stands out.

In the days after Kelley was sentenced in 1990, dozens of people wrote to the editor of the Telegram & Gazette, not to offer support for Kelley's victim, but to criticize the newspaper for publishing a photograph of him being led away.

One of the letters was signed by more than 100 priests of the Worcester Diocese, who subsequently paid for a display advertisement so that all of their names could be printed.

"Not one of them ever asked me how I was," Kraskouskas said. "It really hurt. The priest who baptized me signed that letter. The priest who was in the parish in the past signed that letter. ... It was not just that they had all signed it, they had to go out and buy space so all their names would appear."

SEEKING PAROLE

Information supplied for the criminal case against Kelley indicated that the assaults began shortly after he became pastor at Sacred Heart in August 1983 and continued until early 1985, when he was sent by the diocese to the House of Affirmation in St. Louis, Mo., for psychological treatment. Kelley began serving a prison sentence in March 1990 and is now seeking parole.

Jennifer's halting journey toward being able to disclose what had happened began when Kelley left Gardner for St. Louis.

She attempted tell her parents he had hurt her. But she was only 11, and she said they either did not understand exactly what she was trying to tell them or they did not believe Kelley was capable of harming a child. She said that years later they said they could not remember ever being told.

It was not until Kraskouskas was 15 and in high school that the full story came out.

It happened during a high school field trip to the state prison in Gardner, one of several sponsored in part by Students Against Driving Drunk.

"There was one prisoner there that day who talked to us about his sister being raped," she said. "He talked about how she had learned to take control of her life and it hit me that he was talking like I believed one of my brothers would have talked if they had known."

FIRST FULL TELLING

During a break in the program, Kraskouskas found the prisoner and asked him more about what had happened. It was during that conversation that she finally told fully what had happened to her. The prisoner told the school chaperone and counselor, Michelle D'Acri.

The next day, D'Acri called Kraskouskas to her office and learned firsthand what had occurred. There were a few more conferences during the next week, and then D'Acri, in a meeting at the school, told Jennifer's parents.

"The night before that meeting, my brother had called from college and I told him then," she said. "I didn't want him to learn it from my parents. I was in art class the next day. I wanted it that way. I didn't want to be in the room when they were told. ... I went down later and I walked in.

"They didn't say anything at first. They were both crying. It was like they had heard it for the first time and I was pretty upset they didn't remember me telling them."

The disclosure eventually led to Kelley's indictment and subsequent guilty plea to charges of assault with intent to rape and two counts each of unnatural rape of a child and indecent assault and battery on a child.

Since then, she has had little contact with anyone from the diocese. When she was a child, she attended Mass every week. But she stopped going to church when she was 16.

"I really feel undermined by all this," Kraskouskas said. "My family was so ripped apart."

Her parents and her family are standing by her. But the events of the past have left her feeling she is apart from others - a feeling created when she grew up at age 10.